Parents supplied basic needs, while grandparents raised the children. And when parents faltered, the grandparents were there to provide basic needs. Children have always fallen naturally into the laps of their grandparents.

One child in twelve (nearly six million) lives with grandparents in this country.

The grandparent’s caretaking role is often temporary. They may take on parental duties while the parent is ill or in turmoil, until the parent is able to take up their responsibilities again.

If the parent dies or becomes seriously incapacitated or incarcerated, the caregiving role may become permanent.

No grandparents can exclude the possibility that they might have to care for grandchildren, full- or part-time, at some point in their life. This full-time care of their grandchildren may come as a surprise. It is almost always a return to responsibilities they thought were long past.

Grandparents have already met that challenge once with their own children. Some regard the return to parenting late in life as a blessing. They are grateful to form a deeper bond with their grandchildren.

Others may enjoy the pleasures, but resent the responsibility and inconveniences.

However grandparents meet this task, they soon face the challenge of keeping their grandparent identity while acting as a parent.

Grandparents can relate to their grandchildren in ways that a parent cannot. Grandparents can “spoil” and indulge their grandchildren. They can “take sides” with the child against the parent. They may have more time to listen to and guide the child. They may see the child less often, leaving less opportunity for conflict.

Accepting responsibilities for grandchildren changes this relationship.

The caregiving grandparent relates to the child daily, enforces rules, cooks, cleans, does laundry, shops and manages finances. Caregiving grandparents can become so busy acting as parents that they have less time to act as grandparents.

What can you do to keep your balance in this situation?

My advice is simple: You need only to remember that you are still the grandparent, then to act like a grandparent now and then.

You can sit down and talk with your grandchild.

You can share a funny story about the child’s parent when he/she was growing up (especially if you are the parent of the absent father or mother).

You can give the grandchild a simple gift. Present it as a surprise.

Above all, listen to the child when they share their feelings with you. That sympathetic ear may be the most wonderful gift any grandma or grandpa can give to a grandchild.

To Learn More

Grandparents raising one or more grandchildren can find encouragement and information at the website Grandparents Raising Grandchildren. This resource also talks about issues like finances, health care and dealing with stress.

AARP’s Grandparent Information Center provides a website, a newsletter and other resources. To learn more, send an email message to gic@aarp.org or call 1-888-OUR-AARP (1-888-687-2277).