I’m a striver. I follow stars. I set high expectations for everything I do.

I believe that my life has a purpose, and that it’s up to me to discover that purpose and stick with it, no matter what.

This approach to life gets me into trouble now and then. I tend to blame myself if plans don’t work out as expected. A friend once quipped, “It’s not easy being Dennis Hett.”

My quirky cerebellum, a souvenir of my Chiari anomaly, challenges me to move smoothly and gracefully. Now and then, I must choose between walking and talking at the same time. I can make my point, or I can move towards my destination. Which comes first?

At such times, a pesky little voice whispers from somewhere in the depths. “You can do better than this.”

When the voice speaks, I begin to beat myself up emotionally. “I can do much better!”

I now know that it’s time to back off when I hear myself thinking this way. That’s when I need to forgive myself.

We first learn about forgiveness as small children. “Now, say you’re sorry,” our parents and teachers tell us after we’ve whacked a sibling or grabbed a toy from a playmate.

“I’m sorry.”

Then comes the next step.

The adult in charge tells the wronged party to say, “I forgive you.”

Siblings may be asked to “kiss and make up.”

This level of forgiveness is what we call a “transaction,” an exchange that helps us get along in the world.

Forgiving ourselves goes deeper. When we are both the hurt one and the one doing the hurting, it’s more than a transaction.

We must first recognize that we are beating on ourselves.

Then we must back off, let it be, stop trying to do better.

It’s like stopping a big bell from ringing. We must first let go of the rope. Even then, the bell will swing on its own for a while. But without our tugging, the bell will lose its momentum. The ringing will slow down. The sound will fade away altogether.

Forgiveness helps us to heal. Amnesty unblocks our natural ability to heal and thrive.

The writer Frederick Buechner says that people who have forgiven each other get back the freedom to “be at peace in their own skins and to be glad in each other’s presence.”